The deception of prideful self-loathing

 

Of all the traps a man may fall into without knowing he has been captured there is none so great as pride disguised as self-loathing. What appears a contradiction in terms is in reality a brilliant combination of the evil influences of the depraved nature and the fallen world no doubt with some work of the enemy. It works in the following way,

Firstly, there is created some ideal standard which is as high as it is worthless. This standard leans towards aesthetics. That is to say that the standard is easily quantifiable, and appreciable by the masses. Which is simply another way of saying that the ideas which compose the ideal are superficial. As such they are obtainable to a degree, and perhaps even to the fullest extent if conditions are favorable and sufficient exertions are made. That they lay within the realms of supposed human reach is important to their seductive appeal. The depraved heart already has such an ideal of itself at conception, and needs only the input of the world to give it definition. Sinful nature is reinforced by nurture. A simple subscription to these standards of nothing is enough to damn a man’s soul now and eternally. However, some souls find themselves undone in a yet more sinister fashion.

Secondly, it is revealed to the soul that it has failed to meet the standard, or approach the ideal. The shortcoming need not be too great, nor does it need to be universal. The slightest failure in the smallest aspect is sufficient so long as attention can be focused onto that failure. This will inevitability lead to other failures, but even if it does not it may be perceived to have resulted from other failure which went unnoticed before. The magnitude will increase until it becomes all consuming. An artificial standard will demand an artificial solution. An arbitrary standard will demand an arbitrary solution. As the soul was not seeking the right ideal, it cannot arrive at the right solution so long as it continues on the same pursuit. Therefore, the soul is locked into a vicious cycle of disappointment that will continue until death secures their fate forever. As the cycle continues the soul is worn down. Failure compounds upon failure to lower the self in its own estimation against its cherished ideal.

Thirdly, the soul now seeing itself as worthless, or very nearly so due to its lack of ability to achieve its own ideals, and live to its own standard appears humbled. This appearance is deceiving, and serves as an inoculation against true humility. It further secures the soul against outside interference as this soul will not find itself worthy of outside attention, or else will fear to disappoint others, or else will fear to be reminded of how it has failed itself. At this point the way is opened, and inviting towards many varieties of lust. Some my masquerade as harmless escapism, or even as some form of industry. The deception will be most pressing on the self which has the most reason to invest in such deception. The self has to vindicate itself against its standard in any way possible.

Fourthly the soul is now securely held by multiple chains of sin all of them tied to the original chain of pride in its most basic form of idolatry. From this captivity there is no escape. Vain pursuit towards the original standard will only make the chains stronger. Vain pursuits of relief from the weight of the standards will only introduce new chains to hold the soul in its prison. Surrender to despair is a thing worse than death. Damnation is a seemingly inevitable outcome.

With man escape is impossible even at the earliest phase of the masterfully orchestrated onslaught. In the first phase the appearance of pride is most easily perceived, but once the second phase is enacted upon one’s soul the faint hope grows nearly imperceptible. As it hinges on telling the difference between self-loathing and humility, which is like perceiving a fine line from a great distance in the fog. This line is further obscured with the introduction of other sins, so that now the fine line must be seen at a great distance, through the fog, and underneath heaps of filth. And when one stands alone all of this must be done via a reflection in a dirty mirror within darkness.

Each layer of deception removed will make our task easier, but our essential task will remain impossible apart from the grace of God received in faith and ministered by the Holy Spirit. The essential task remains essential as well. Unless the root, which is pride, of sin is undone the prisoner remains imprisoned. And the key remains to show how self-loathing is prideful. This is quite simple on paper for to erect a standard is to reject God’s standard, and this is to reject God and to put oneself in His place. To do this by directing attention first to the issues is as we have said nigh impossible.

What we must do in such situations is to direct our attention towards God. By realizing who God is, light is introduced, and fog is cleared. In seeing God for who He is we are compelled to embrace His standard, and thus grace through faith. This will lead to the entry of the Holy Spirit who will shed clarifying light on the scene. The heaps of filth will begin to be removed, and cleaned away. The issue will become visible as it become more and more irrelevant. As the problem is revealed the answer is already apparent in Christ. Our Judge who is also our Savior and our Lord. He has loved us to die for us and to call us to Himself. What foolish pride would loath what God has loved? Behold then by Christ the chain of pride and of self-loathing is broken asunder, and as many times as it would ensnare the soul anew it is broken again by the truths of the gospel of Christ. Even against such a difficult situation as we have observed the gospel will always prevail. And so, the saying is trustworthy and true that where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. To God be the glory.